Nighttime feedings...times with God

It's not often that I write "deep" things on my blog. Mostly its pics of the kids and fun stuff so my family and friends can see our ever changing family. But today after my time with God I feel like I need to write what He is doing in my heart these days.

Being awoken every 3 hrs by Kelson to nurse at night has been both great and not so great. Not so great because I get frustrated that I want/need more sleep. More so though it has been great. Great because I find myself talking with God during these nighttime feedings. I pray to God about all sorts of things and then I spend time listening. Often I fall asleep praying. I used to think that "bad Christians" fell asleep praying. But lately I feel different. I am loving falling asleep while or after spending time talking with God, my Father, Abba Father. I lay my worries at His feet, I lay my Children, mothering, and other things at His feet, asking Him to redeem my efforts.

A couple nights ago I feel as though my conversation with God carried through into my dream. Now, I am not one to say that God speaks to me in my dreams and most times I don't put a lot or any weight in my dreams as they aren't so hot. But this night was different. This dream was different. This dream was as as real as a conversation as I could have had. And dream real or fake I believe God did speak to me.

This was my dream:

As most dreams just start out of nowhere this one did. I was somewhere I am not sure where but I was told I had to be crucified for my children. I had to be nailed to cross and die for them to have salvation. I was scared to death! I wanted to do it but I couldn't. I could not be nailed to a cross. The pain was way to much for me to handle. The thought of knowing I was gonna die, to much for me to bear. But there were Jackson, Addison and Kelson all looking at me and wondering if I was gonna come through. I was weeping, sobbing, shaking in my dream. Apologizing that I couldn't do it, but I was still trying. I was heading to the cross. I remember in my dream getting there and laying on the wood and trying to be still so that things could proceed when God stepped in and said "stop". He asked me what was going on. I told Him I was dying for my children. This is where the the images stop in the dream and it's just a conversation between me and God. God told me He already did that. His Son, Jesus died for my children and for me. Jesus bore that awful cross for me. God took me in His arms and held me as I wept. I apologized for not being able, not believing strong enough, not loving enough. And He reminded me that HE is enough. Jesus endured the cross. I remember the ache I felt in my heart at hearing that. Such joy and such sorrow at once. Jesus should NOT have had to do that, He was PERFECT! I am the sinner, I should have died on the cross.

I was heartbroke at how casually I sometimes, often, make the cross. The battle I faced as I was facing crucifixtion was intense and it was only a dream. What Jesus Christ did was real. Real beatings, real whips with shards of glass, real thorns, real nails, real wood, real blood. And the strength and determination was real: supernatural!

I was changed in this dream. Super aware of the awesomeness and awfulness of the cross!!! More humbled by Jesus' sacrifice than I ever have been. It was more powerful than even when I watched the Mel Gibson movie and those images were intense! In my dream I remember weeping and weeping as God told me He did it! He told me that I cannot save my children, I cannot save myself. And even if I could have endured the cross, what good would it have done? A sinner dying for a sinner? I need Jesus! My children need Jesus!

A dream? A continuing conversation with God? Either way when I awoke, at the next feeding, I immediately thanked God for the work of His Son Jesus Christ and for loving me so much that He was able to endure the cross. I continue to repent for trying to save myself and for thinking that I can somehow save my children by being good enough or by being a good enough mom or wife.

Some dreams stay with you for a long time after you awake. This one sure has! Every day since I have been stirred in my heart with a heart of gratitude and humilty. I am thankful for it! May I never take for granted or take lightly the horror and reality of the cross. Yet it's ironic that it is so beautiful too!? How God can that be?? Love. That's how.