It hurts to be a Mom. To become a Mom one must go through INTENSE labor pains. But that's not all the pain that there is nor will be. Today, it hurts to be a Mom. It hurts my heart. It hurts my mind. And I fear deep down if I am hurting my children too!? In my walking this road, so new to me, so very dark, I feel I have no idea where I am going. But there is Light. Jesus, Light of the World. Light into my dark realities, my hard realities. Discipline that MUST be done but it leads to BIG tears on little fragile faces. Consequences that cause hurt in the hope to lead to different behavior and different desires.
Today my goal was to clean the spare room. It most certainly was NOT to clean pink and orange crayon off the walls scribbled there by 4 tiny hands who gleed with delight. It most certainly was NOT to see this AGAIN on 2 other walls. To be called to love in DISCIPLINE and yet not knowing what in the world to do that will help them learn this behavior is wrong. I muddled through it, tears down her face and tears in my heart! We survived. I cling to the hope of Jesus, Light of the World. I cry out His name to save this day! To save this Sweet Little Child of mine! To forgive my failures!
While there is tons of joy to be had every moment in motherhood, I have to embrace the reality that Motherhood HURTS! Jesus bore a cross! He was BEATEN, CURSED, SPIT ON, BEATEN, PIERCED, raised to the sky blood dripping down. I forget. I forget how much HE HURT! For me! For my sins! For the brokenness of my Mommyness. For the brokenness in my children. Thank you Jesus. Thank you Jesus for modeling HURT. For obeying the Father down the road to death that we might live! Oh to truly LIVE! To LIVE IN and THROUGH the HURT, tears, laughter, joys, giggles & consequences.
Today it has HURT to be a Mom. Today I cling to the REDEMPTION that God promises. I trust that somehow, He will guide me, teach me, correct me and show me how to be a Mom. A good Mom. No a GOD MOM! A Mom that surrenders to her Father and pours out love to her children!! A mom who wipes crayon off the wall and lets her tears fall in acknowledgement that she needs a Savior! Tears fall that show she is tired, weak, ill prepared. Tears that the Magic Erasers aren't working so great on the colors. Tears that I can't magic erase my mistakes. Tears fall as my prayers ascend that somehow God redeems the messy color marks I make every day!!
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